I really do enjoy being alone. Maybe not alone alone (dogs don’t count) but I really need time by myself. And for some reason, being along only counts if I’m in my own home. I can’t escape to a coffee shop to be alone. I need to be parked on my sofa or in my kitchen… alone.
Is this a depressing topic to start a blog with? I don’t mean to be depressing I’m trying to be honest. It’s been a busy summer. With friends, family and even strangers descending into my house. On Sunday I’ll be alone in my house for the first time in what feels like forever.
I don’t mean to sound winey or ungrateful for the amazing people in my life, I just believe that everyone needs some solitude in their life… an opportunity to check in with yourself and find on what’s going on. I feel that I need this more then some people. Right now I feel rather desperate in my need for peace and quiet.
"When despair for the world grows in me and I wake in the night at the least sound in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be, I go and lie down where the wood drake rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds. I come into the peace of wild things who do not tax their lives with forethought of grief. I come into the presence of still water. And I feel above me the day-blind stars waiting with their light. For a time I rest in the grace of the world, and am free."
— Wendell Berry (Sex, Economy, Freedom & Community: Eight Essays)
This is a lovely quote by Wendell Berry. I’m not by any means suggesting that having a house full of people compares in any way to what WB is talking about in this quote. I simply love the tranquility of his words.
There are a few things that happen to me when I know that I’m not quite ‘right’ what I mean is when you know you may go off the deep end at any moment or get mad at your husband for no apparent reason (or at least not a good one). For me the first thing is that I loose my appetite. This is really a sad thing because I love food. Seriously that doesn’t even come close… I have a relationship with food… with ingredients and with cooking. I feel like my kitchen is a dear friend. And I cook… a lot. I haven’t stopped cooking (Cameron would starve to death) but I have stopped enjoying myself in the kitchen. Not only am I not making dinner tomorrow night I’m not even going to the market.
I love the market. I can’t remember a Saturday when I haven’t jumped out of bed to go to the market early (before all the strollers show up and no one is there to buy groceries). I’ve planned not to go to the market tomorrow… I’ve planned to sleep in…
The second and much less distressing thing that happens to me is that I get weepy. Seriously teary eyed… all the time. Can’t find a pair of sweat shorts I borrowed from a friend = water works…. Gnochchi turns out badly = sob fest… writing this post….
I need a minute….
See what I mean? So I’m taking this weekend to relax and reconnect with myself. I’m going to walk the dogs, do some writing, do some laundry, watch some bad TV and be alone…. Doesn’t that sound magical?
Maybe that’s why blogs appeal to me so much. It’s very quite out here. What I mean is that no one is really going to read this, no one cares what I write and it’s only me here… even taking stock and writing this out has been very therapeutic. Maybe everyone should have a blog. So far I highly recommend it.
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